I have Put This Off

This post contains possible triggers and talks about self-harm and suicide attempts. Reader discretion is advised.

I didn’t want to talk about this. But I’m making myself. I didn’t know if I should talk about it, but after seeing the posts of some friends I decided to go ahead. I have been hurting myself by choking since I was a kid. I never do it when there are other people around and it doesn’t leave a mark if I’m careful. I was told long ago that cutting was of the devil, and my parents were pushing me into religion. So I never did it. It all started with a suicide attempt. I tried to choke myself to death with my hands. It didn’t work. As soon as I passed out my hands went limp and I woke up a minute later. But realizing I didn’t die I started using choking to punish myself whenever I didn’t get my parents’ approval. I did it more after leaving my parents’ house because I felt like I deserved to be in pain. I also experimented with whipping my own back and picking at zits until a lot of blood came out. I recently got a large boil just below my stomach and I picked at it until my hand was covered in blood. I’m going to be working with my therapist to stop. My appt is tomorrow, and I hope to find some answers then.

4 thoughts on “I have Put This Off

  1. I hope the therapist can help you figure out how to stop it, sounds like you may be ready to stop. Good luck, keep us up on what they say, and if it helps.

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    1. I will keep you posted. I never talked about it before seeing my friends’ posts on mewe. Honestly I have urges to cut, but it was firmly implanted in my mind as something only devil worshipers do, so I have never done that. I went for stuff with plausible deniability.

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